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Burn’s Night – 25/1/13 – Reply from the Lassies 

I didn’t intend to make a speech 
But Laird can be persuasive.
I think perhaps in retrospect
I should have been more evasive.

As I start my speech this evening 
I fear that my reply
Is not quite what Laird intended, 
But what I’ll do is try.

Thank you Neil – a real toast
To make the lassies blush.
A man who makes a proper speech
Now there’s a secret crush.

There is one man, a modern Burns
That might make the girls stray
It’s 50 shades of ‘you know who’
Yes, raunchy Christian Grey.
But Taplow men treat their lassies well
Though I’ve yet to find a bard.
But of one thing there is no doubt,
They like to party – hard.

They put dinner on the table,
And work from dawn til dusk
And sort the kids and do packed lunch
Oh no… hang on – that’s us!

They can though, roast an ox
Or was it perhaps a pig?
They keep the pub in business 
And dance a fine country jig.

They attempted to build go-karts
Some even tried a raft.
But did they all reach the finish line?
Of course not, don’t be daft!


They clear old village gardens
and can speak Burns's quotation;
But what they're really best at 
……..  is procrastination.

When you light the barbecue
You always cook the lot.
But is it REALLY a full time job
To watch the coals get hot?

There IS one thing that takes all day;
The mess makes lassies sigh
The swearing makes the children cringe
I’m talking D I Y!

Instructions – why bother?
A spirit level – what’s that?
And if it’s IKEA you fancy 
Beware, they pack it flat.


I’m told: “If we’ve had a conversation, 
Don’t assume it’s all sunk in”
Lovely wives of Taplow,
Sometimes you just can’t win.

Twitter takes up so much time,
While we just wash and cook.
You can put the ironing in front of him
But it is hard to make him look.

Snooker, cricket or maybe golf
watch whatever sport you pick;
But do you really think that is the best way
To work out how we tick?

But a man can be a useful thing,
No woman should complain.
When things go wrong, there’s always him
On whom to pin the blame.


Our lads (you know) are not so bad, 
We put up with the snoring
And if we didn’t have each other,
Life would be rather boring.

A delicious haggis, horse of course
Laird, you’ve done us proud
With neeps and tats and Scotch with friends
We are a literary crowd.

So lassies please be upstanding
As we remember the poet from the glen
Let’s raise a toast 
…………to Taplow’s finest men.

Tamsin Hornett